Family Relationships
Parenting from Federal Prison: Staying Connected with Your Children
Being separated from your children is one of the most painful aspects of incarceration. But physical absence doesn't have to mean emotional absence. With intention and creativity, you can maintain meaningful relationships with your children and continue to be a positive influence in their lives.
The Reality of Incarcerated Parenting
More than 2.7 million American children have a parent in prison or jail. Your children are not alone, though they may feel that way. Research shows that maintaining strong parent-child relationships during incarceration benefits both the child and the incarcerated parent.
The challenges are real: limited communication options, missed milestones, inability to physically comfort or discipline, and the emotional burden your children carry. But within these constraints, meaningful parenting is possible.
Communication Strategies
Phone Calls
With only 300 minutes per month, phone time is precious. Make it count:
- Schedule regular call times so children can anticipate and prepare
- Focus entirely on them. Ask specific questions about their day, friends, activities
- Help with homework if they can read problems to you
- Read books together (you read, they follow along)
- Play verbal games appropriate to their age
- Let younger children just "be" on the phone with you sometimes
Letters and Cards
Written communication has unique advantages. Children can keep and re-read letters:
- Write regularly, even brief notes
- Include drawings, jokes, or puzzles appropriate to age
- Ask questions they can answer in return letters
- Create ongoing projects (collaborative stories, quizzes about family history)
- Send cards for holidays, birthdays, and accomplishments
- Write separate letters for each child so each feels special
Video Visits
Some facilities offer video visitation. When available:
- Seeing your face matters more than anything you say
- Have activities planned (show and tell, artwork review)
- Include multiple children if schedules allow
- Keep it positive. They need to see you're okay
Making Visits Meaningful
In-person visits are the most valuable connection opportunity. Prepare for them:
- Before the visit: Coordinate with caregiver about what's happening in children's lives
- During the visit: Be present. Don't spend the whole time discussing adult issues with your partner
- Physical contact: Hug at the beginning and end (within rules). Hold hands during conversation
- Activities: Some facilities have games, coloring books, or play areas. Use them
- Age-appropriate conversation: Ask about specific things (teachers by name, friends, activities)
- Photos: Many facilities allow visit photos. These become treasured keepsakes
Staying Involved in Their Lives
Even from prison, you can participate in parenting:
- Request school report cards and discuss grades in calls
- Ask to see artwork or projects through letters or photos
- Know their friends' names and ask about them specifically
- Track their extracurricular activities and celebrate achievements
- Provide guidance on decisions when asked by caregiver
- Send messages for special events you can't attend
Addressing Difficult Topics
Children will have questions and emotions that need addressing:
"Why are you in prison?"
Be honest at an age-appropriate level. Young children: "Daddy made a mistake and has to stay here for a while." Older children deserve more context without graphic details. Never lie, as they'll learn the truth eventually and trust will be damaged.
"When are you coming home?"
Be honest about the timeline. Help young children visualize it (number of Christmases, grade they'll be in). Mark progress together. Never promise dates you can't guarantee.
"Are you safe?"
Children worry. Reassure them honestly that you're okay. If you're at a minimum-security camp, you can emphasize it's not like TV. They need to know you're being taken care of.
Working with the At-Home Parent
Successful incarcerated parenting requires cooperation with whoever is caring for your children:
- Present a united front. Don't undermine their authority
- Stay informed about daily realities and challenges
- Support their decisions even when you'd do it differently
- Express gratitude for their sacrifice and work
- Don't become the "fun" parent who only has positive interactions
Preparing for Reunification
Throughout your incarceration, keep the reunion in mind:
- Maintain realistic expectations. You've all changed
- Discuss reintegration with children before release
- Don't expect to immediately resume authority. Earn trust gradually
- Consider family therapy to navigate the transition
- Be patient. Rebuilding takes time
How Sam Can Help
Sam Mangel understands the importance of family relationships during incarceration. His consulting includes specific support for maintaining parent-child bonds.
- Pre-Surrender Family Sessions: Preparing children for what's ahead
- Communication Planning: Setting up sustainable connection systems
- Facility Selection: Advocating for placement that allows family visits
- Ongoing Support: Guidance for both the incarcerated parent and family at home
Stay Present for Your Children
Your relationship with your children can survive and even grow during incarceration. Contact Sam for guidance on maintaining these vital bonds.